On being "Aliumthrope"... Kinda

i would say that a big part of our system is nonhuman, or something kinda similar to it. some of the closest people within the system (and even outside of it) aren't human. but what are you supposed to do when you want to be nonhuman, but aren't?

i have a weird kind of, i guess "species dysphoria," that nobody else seems to understand. it doesn't have any specific type, and i don't think it's something like otherkind or anything like that. i just know i'm a human. and wish i wasn't. it's... weird.

but, there's nothing about being human that i like. i wish i was some kind of entity, or thing outside of the bounds of humanity. it feels like being trapped in a cage. and i know that like, technically there's nothing wrong with being a human. it's not that i think being a human is a bad thing. i just wish i wasn't one. i'm jealous of the people in my system, and all the other people i meet, that aren't, and know they aren't, while that's what i'm stuck as forever. 

i don't really know how else to explain it, and i haven't seen anybody else feel this way. most of the time i just see people say that this feeling means you actually are nonhuman, and you just don't know it yet. but i know i'm not, so that's kind of out of the question. the closest thing i've found is aliumthrope, which is when you're disconnected from humanity regardless of if you actually are nonhuman, and i guess that kinda fits. but it isn't really the full picture either. 

aldernic kinda fits too, but it also isn't the full picture. i do want a different body, but i also want to be different on the inside too. i don't even know what exactly i want to be, i just know it isn't this, and the level of weird vibes i get through the pain of like, existing the way i am, sucks on a whole new level. i think i always felt it to some extent, but it's getting worse as i get older, so that's not fun.

if i could wake up tomorrow and be something entirely different, i would. i don't know how many other ways to put that. honestly, i don't even know why i'm writing this. "ro" just told me that it's good to get your feelings down somewhere, and this is kinda the place to talk about nonhuman-y stuff, so i guess it'll be here. maybe it'll also get her to eventually write that thing about constelic. 

i don't have anything else to say. damn.

-d