NGL I always thought you left the community because of ezgender
nah. i mean, okay, kinda. some of the stuff i saw him doing and saying to people did make me permanently disillusioned, and i also became really disappointed in myself for following someone who, had i checked instead of blindly trusting him- who already intimidated me and who i knew could be really rude in disagreements- i would’ve seen was genuinely awful to whoever he thought deserved it. i know i can’t change the world and not everything’s my fault, but i absolutely did and still do to an extent partially blame myself for not having the willpower to confront him. considered apologizing directly to all those people he hurt with his shitty blocklist, but i decided against it cuz i’m sure they just wanted to be left the fuck alone after it all
i wouldn’t say it’s why i left, but i would say it fucked me up and only contributed to how bad my health eventually got. idk. all i can hope for now is that he ended up getting the support he clearly needed at the time, and that he’s getting better like i eventually did after leaving. i also just think it’s a lesson in how maybe communities shouldn’t have “leaders” or people who get a little too much influence and start having the capability to do some serious harm
the “full” reason why i left was just mental health issues and burnout. i was getting really bad, from the mix of juggling servers, to discourse, to the general stress of being Known, to big life changes all happening at the same time… but didn’t feel like i could honestly talk about it without people freaking out that they’d lose all my coining posts. which pissed me off ngl, like okay you care more about my terms than my depleting health i’m telling you about right now??? gee, thanks -_-
i also had a friend on the outside who kept confronting me and trying to talk me into leaving. she later said i was in a “constant dissociative state,” which i don’t remember but i mean, i guess that checks out for dissociation. it took months of convincing until i actually did it. i didn’t delete my blogs at first, until a couple people followed me to my new account and accidentally scared the shit out of me [not their faults, was just in a bad place and being “found” made my paranoia go crazy] and i thought that deleting them would fix the problem
and like. it somehow did. i got that peace i really needed. and now that i’m back i fully intend on doing it on my own terms and never letting myself get to that point again. i’m older and in a way better place in general, so i’m not worried about coming back